A Broken Heart
For what feels like forever I have been making jokes about the state of my heart, the lack of mainstay relationships in my life, and the type of "men" who cross my path. Lovers, or wannabes, beeping me eight hours before meeting a hundred or so of their closest friends in a church to say "I do" to another woman, fading Ladies Men lying to say they want me in the end, and outright loosers with badly placed come-ons fill these pages. Yet, they aren't the only things to break my heart. As much as I would like to place solitary blame on one, or two, of them I can not. At seventeen I learned my heart was broken, in a minimal kind of way. Unfortunately, over the years, it has continued to beat on and sometimes it needs help to make it through the day.
Yea . . . this time around it is called an irregular heartbeat. At seventeen I was first diagnosed, but my doctor back then had the good sense of mind to tell me the Cardizem was for migraines. I had been diagnosed with Lupus a year before, and it didn't take long for the truth to surface. Like when I went to MCV for Lupus testing, and the nurses and lab techs weren't buying the migraine account. None-the-less, more often than not I've kept the pesky heart palpitations at bay. Years ago, doctors still called it angina. Some still do. Me . . .not so much as angina rings similar to vagina, and we already know that when I've had health insurance I've spent too much time with my feet in the stirrups for lady parts nightmares. Yet, irregular heartbeats are just that. They can beat too fast, too slow, skip beats, and--of course--not at all. In case you want to know what it feels like, try imagining a twenty pound weight on your chest sometimes combined with a c-clamp. There are also the days when I feel pinching. Yea, it's just not good anyway you try to spin it.
On Friday, since I now have health insurance and all, I finally got to see a primary care doctor. I went early as I don't see my Lupus guy for two weeks. I guess this is where I should tell you that I've been having chest pain for sometime. Get pissy with me all you want for not saying anything, but it wasn't like I could do much until now. Somedays are worse than others . . . And now you know why I haven't been running. I miss it, bad. Well, he heard the make-shift beats of my heart and ordered an EKG. Guess what came back bad? Guess who is now on Metoprolol? Yup. Me. Guess who is also getting a week script for Prednisone? Me, again. Guess who hates steroids? Do I really need to tell you me?
I knew the news wasn't going to be good, but I was trying for the side of optimism. I wanted, desperately so, for the news to be better. Then, there is the pesky issue of the family friend who died in May from complications of Lupus. I'm still a little unnerved. And . . . Dave Diaz. He died from a similar heart condition, sans Lupus.
The abnormal rhythms are not extreme, but when I can feel them and do something about them . . . yea, it's not good. Though, there is a part of me thinking that perhaps the status of my life is based on my broken heart. You know, there's already the white elephant in the room of having Lupus, and when you tell a significant other about it it rarely goes well. Then there is the broken heart . . . perhaps it broke itself years ago as a precursor to the battle and breakups to come. Yea, right. I'm just flypaper for freaks, and having Lupus and heart complications is just another par for the course. So, here's to my broken heart, chest pains, and former lovers fleeing in the night. Tomorrow has to get better because not everyday can leave me feeling side-swiped and missing a beacon in the night.
Yea . . . this time around it is called an irregular heartbeat. At seventeen I was first diagnosed, but my doctor back then had the good sense of mind to tell me the Cardizem was for migraines. I had been diagnosed with Lupus a year before, and it didn't take long for the truth to surface. Like when I went to MCV for Lupus testing, and the nurses and lab techs weren't buying the migraine account. None-the-less, more often than not I've kept the pesky heart palpitations at bay. Years ago, doctors still called it angina. Some still do. Me . . .not so much as angina rings similar to vagina, and we already know that when I've had health insurance I've spent too much time with my feet in the stirrups for lady parts nightmares. Yet, irregular heartbeats are just that. They can beat too fast, too slow, skip beats, and--of course--not at all. In case you want to know what it feels like, try imagining a twenty pound weight on your chest sometimes combined with a c-clamp. There are also the days when I feel pinching. Yea, it's just not good anyway you try to spin it.
On Friday, since I now have health insurance and all, I finally got to see a primary care doctor. I went early as I don't see my Lupus guy for two weeks. I guess this is where I should tell you that I've been having chest pain for sometime. Get pissy with me all you want for not saying anything, but it wasn't like I could do much until now. Somedays are worse than others . . . And now you know why I haven't been running. I miss it, bad. Well, he heard the make-shift beats of my heart and ordered an EKG. Guess what came back bad? Guess who is now on Metoprolol? Yup. Me. Guess who is also getting a week script for Prednisone? Me, again. Guess who hates steroids? Do I really need to tell you me?
I knew the news wasn't going to be good, but I was trying for the side of optimism. I wanted, desperately so, for the news to be better. Then, there is the pesky issue of the family friend who died in May from complications of Lupus. I'm still a little unnerved. And . . . Dave Diaz. He died from a similar heart condition, sans Lupus.
The abnormal rhythms are not extreme, but when I can feel them and do something about them . . . yea, it's not good. Though, there is a part of me thinking that perhaps the status of my life is based on my broken heart. You know, there's already the white elephant in the room of having Lupus, and when you tell a significant other about it it rarely goes well. Then there is the broken heart . . . perhaps it broke itself years ago as a precursor to the battle and breakups to come. Yea, right. I'm just flypaper for freaks, and having Lupus and heart complications is just another par for the course. So, here's to my broken heart, chest pains, and former lovers fleeing in the night. Tomorrow has to get better because not everyday can leave me feeling side-swiped and missing a beacon in the night.
Comments