Reflections
More than a year ago I made an entry under my pen name about a cousin of mine. The short end of him is that he makes a career out of cutting me down, and those around him. He consistently put down my education, my writing, and everything else. When I got published in an anthology series in 2006 he said "Who's really going to read it?" Needless to say, my friendship with him wasn't the most healthy one. In May 2009 he blew up at me on Yahoo Messenger, and I blocked him from my accounts.* He made some comment that I use my Lupus and my brother's death as an excuse for my life. He also made reference to my sister, and I at the time none of us knew where she was. My sister will always be a touchy subject with me, and she knows this. She came back in October, and I never bothered to tell him. Yea. This is also the person that when Lupus issues arose he blew up at me during a surprise visit, and he wasn't around for the infamous surgery. Though, I wanted two people there, and he wasn't one of them. He had cut me off at that point, and I was over it. He surfaced in my life a month or so later, and I let him back. Never fucking again.
None-the-less, I don't talk to him anymore. I'm sure some readers have noticed, that I protect myself with a thick shell, and I don't let people in very often. There have been two people who can make me cry: this cousin and Jackass. Sad, but true.
Two days ago I got a one am forward from my father. It was an email about this cousin. I read it and my mouth came open. It stayed that way for several hours. A woman he tried to scam in California sent an email to his email list, and she thought she had deleted family members. By accident my father got the email, and that is how I got it.
I immediately forwarded it to his former friend and ex-girlfriend, and I am friends with both. In the ensuing hours, emails passed back and forth. Parts of the story surfaced, and Cali Girl began to feel better knowing that she wasn't the only one. Best part, a few months before he came out there his current girlfriend Carol called her. She believed his lies, and stayed with him and let him move in. That lasted just over two months, and after the email tonight we would presume that he is back with Carol. In the course of conversation yesterday, the ex-girlfriend forwarded everything to Carol. A very nasty and hate-filled email arrived in my in-box tonight.
Here's a snippet:
"XX, a fat ass, down syndrome-looking troll. [He]is your family---what is wrong with you? Lupus my ass. Run another race, you fucking back-stabbbing cunt. I seem to remember you having a hell of alot of shit to talk about [his ex] the day I met you, and now you are her buddy? Is it because she has more experience taking a strap-on? Yeah, I know about that. XX, if you are such a celebrated author, why did [you get fired]?"
A) I didn't get fired. The cousin and I were in the middle of a conversation when he blew up at me. I said I got fucked, and then he went off. I never got to finish. I got the short end of a deal, but I certainly did not get fired. I filled a complaint because someone did me wrong by confusing me with someone else.
B)I have no idea what that strap-on is about. That part actually made my mouth fall open.
C) I don't proclaim to be a fucking celebrated author. I have a list of publications, and a book, but I am not celebrated. I am an academic by trade, and we publish by trade.
D) The cousin already made a nasty remark about my Lupus. Now her. Fuck them both. If you can't be around when the shit goes down, if you can't stay in my life, and if you choose to say that bruising, rashes, infections, passing the fuck out, being anemic, and a laundry list of other conditions on a varying scale of minor to detrimental is nothing then you can FUCK OFF.
I'm sorry, do I sound pissed? Well, if you said no you would be wrong.
Last last night Cali Girl sent me an email saying how drained she was. I said I understand, and that I was in a different spot with all of this insanity. In many ways I feel like an outsider looking in. I was a cousin, a friend and confident for years, and I certainly never slept with him. I have DNA strands that he has, and those can not be fucking undone. I had ceased all contact last May. I had made peace with it, and I had learned how to pack those memories away.
Like a few other things, I had memories of him tucked and buried deep within the folds of my life. I don't look at the photos of us at the beach, in Alexandria, or elsewhere. I don't let people bring him up, as his ex will tell you it only pisses me off. I have done a damned good job of erasing him. I have revisited those places I hung out with him in, and I have created new memories. But, now . . .
Now I am starting to feel the drain. Maybe I never let myself feel it before. Maybe it is just residual feelings. Maybe it is the knowledge that I pick my friends poorly, and even though he was family I considered him to be part of my cadre. He was my closest friend. How truly fucked up.
More so, in six months to a year I am sure there will be another victim. Another woman he tries to get a free ride from, and perhaps she will email his list before she lets him in. There have been many. He took his ex for 20K in debt, and lord only knows how much from other women. Perhaps next time won't be so bad.
I wish I felt like a strong woman for letting the truth out, but instead I feel . . . I feel violated in a multiplicity of ways.
*Yes, we all know how much I fucking love Yahoo anymore.
None-the-less, I don't talk to him anymore. I'm sure some readers have noticed, that I protect myself with a thick shell, and I don't let people in very often. There have been two people who can make me cry: this cousin and Jackass. Sad, but true.
Two days ago I got a one am forward from my father. It was an email about this cousin. I read it and my mouth came open. It stayed that way for several hours. A woman he tried to scam in California sent an email to his email list, and she thought she had deleted family members. By accident my father got the email, and that is how I got it.
I immediately forwarded it to his former friend and ex-girlfriend, and I am friends with both. In the ensuing hours, emails passed back and forth. Parts of the story surfaced, and Cali Girl began to feel better knowing that she wasn't the only one. Best part, a few months before he came out there his current girlfriend Carol called her. She believed his lies, and stayed with him and let him move in. That lasted just over two months, and after the email tonight we would presume that he is back with Carol. In the course of conversation yesterday, the ex-girlfriend forwarded everything to Carol. A very nasty and hate-filled email arrived in my in-box tonight.
Here's a snippet:
"XX, a fat ass, down syndrome-looking troll. [He]is your family---what is wrong with you? Lupus my ass. Run another race, you fucking back-stabbbing cunt. I seem to remember you having a hell of alot of shit to talk about [his ex] the day I met you, and now you are her buddy? Is it because she has more experience taking a strap-on? Yeah, I know about that. XX, if you are such a celebrated author, why did [you get fired]?"
A) I didn't get fired. The cousin and I were in the middle of a conversation when he blew up at me. I said I got fucked, and then he went off. I never got to finish. I got the short end of a deal, but I certainly did not get fired. I filled a complaint because someone did me wrong by confusing me with someone else.
B)I have no idea what that strap-on is about. That part actually made my mouth fall open.
C) I don't proclaim to be a fucking celebrated author. I have a list of publications, and a book, but I am not celebrated. I am an academic by trade, and we publish by trade.
D) The cousin already made a nasty remark about my Lupus. Now her. Fuck them both. If you can't be around when the shit goes down, if you can't stay in my life, and if you choose to say that bruising, rashes, infections, passing the fuck out, being anemic, and a laundry list of other conditions on a varying scale of minor to detrimental is nothing then you can FUCK OFF.
I'm sorry, do I sound pissed? Well, if you said no you would be wrong.
Last last night Cali Girl sent me an email saying how drained she was. I said I understand, and that I was in a different spot with all of this insanity. In many ways I feel like an outsider looking in. I was a cousin, a friend and confident for years, and I certainly never slept with him. I have DNA strands that he has, and those can not be fucking undone. I had ceased all contact last May. I had made peace with it, and I had learned how to pack those memories away.
Like a few other things, I had memories of him tucked and buried deep within the folds of my life. I don't look at the photos of us at the beach, in Alexandria, or elsewhere. I don't let people bring him up, as his ex will tell you it only pisses me off. I have done a damned good job of erasing him. I have revisited those places I hung out with him in, and I have created new memories. But, now . . .
Now I am starting to feel the drain. Maybe I never let myself feel it before. Maybe it is just residual feelings. Maybe it is the knowledge that I pick my friends poorly, and even though he was family I considered him to be part of my cadre. He was my closest friend. How truly fucked up.
More so, in six months to a year I am sure there will be another victim. Another woman he tries to get a free ride from, and perhaps she will email his list before she lets him in. There have been many. He took his ex for 20K in debt, and lord only knows how much from other women. Perhaps next time won't be so bad.
I wish I felt like a strong woman for letting the truth out, but instead I feel . . . I feel violated in a multiplicity of ways.
*Yes, we all know how much I fucking love Yahoo anymore.
Comments