Nightfall
My minds ponders again, instead of letting me sleep. Why? Financial downturns and underemployment.
All of my student loans are in economic hardship deferments except the one from Chase. Chase refuses, says I must make a payment before I am eligible, and says that I can only get a deferment once a year. Today, after three lovely chats with them I was left feeling miserable. More so, I ask, how can I make a payment when A) there is nothing to squeeze and B) need economic hardship? They asked me why my parents can't give me money. Um . . .if that were true I wouldn't have needed Chase's loan in the first place, and besides the 'rents are retired. Chase calls, I try to stay calm, but when their operators tell me to have a yard sale and pawn whatever I own I loose patience. I have nothing to sell or pawn. I've been there and done that already.
I live at home, adjunct at a nearby community college, and spend my days trying to find full time employment. I would prefer employment with health insurance since this Lupus patient is without, and I can only stave off symptoms for so long. I sub in the local school system. I write under my pen name, such articles on the history of air guitar and ones about bling beads, and I agonize.
These days I have to wonder if I didn't waste a large chunk of my life on three letters that translate out to Dr. I love what I do, and I do what I love, but what if the institution doesn't love me? Awards and publications (under this name--my real one--big and small) should say that I am on the upper edge of finding a line, but rejection letter after rejection letter tell a different story.
The economy sucks, I push forward with writing and publishing, with teaching, and with hoping . . . I push aside my homesickness for New York, the ache I feel for my own horrible career situation, and the disgust I feel for myself in my current situation.
Here's to the nightfall of another crappy day.
All of my student loans are in economic hardship deferments except the one from Chase. Chase refuses, says I must make a payment before I am eligible, and says that I can only get a deferment once a year. Today, after three lovely chats with them I was left feeling miserable. More so, I ask, how can I make a payment when A) there is nothing to squeeze and B) need economic hardship? They asked me why my parents can't give me money. Um . . .if that were true I wouldn't have needed Chase's loan in the first place, and besides the 'rents are retired. Chase calls, I try to stay calm, but when their operators tell me to have a yard sale and pawn whatever I own I loose patience. I have nothing to sell or pawn. I've been there and done that already.
I live at home, adjunct at a nearby community college, and spend my days trying to find full time employment. I would prefer employment with health insurance since this Lupus patient is without, and I can only stave off symptoms for so long. I sub in the local school system. I write under my pen name, such articles on the history of air guitar and ones about bling beads, and I agonize.
These days I have to wonder if I didn't waste a large chunk of my life on three letters that translate out to Dr. I love what I do, and I do what I love, but what if the institution doesn't love me? Awards and publications (under this name--my real one--big and small) should say that I am on the upper edge of finding a line, but rejection letter after rejection letter tell a different story.
The economy sucks, I push forward with writing and publishing, with teaching, and with hoping . . . I push aside my homesickness for New York, the ache I feel for my own horrible career situation, and the disgust I feel for myself in my current situation.
Here's to the nightfall of another crappy day.
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